Author – Kevin Eikenberry

We all use questions everyday – in every part of our lives: as a leader, as a peer, as a parent, as a team member, as a spouse. We can’t get through the day without asking at least some questions. Even if the only questions you ask all day are:

“How are you doing?”, or

“What’s new?”

You are still asking questions.

So I’m not going to urge you to simply ask questions; that doesn’t make much sense – you already do that. The challenge I have for you today is to ask more and better questions.

When you ask more and better questions you can become more effective as a leader, a peer, a parent, a team member, a spouse and more. Here are ten specific ways that will lead you to asking more and better questions – and as a result become more effective and get better results.

These ideas are categorized, and as you read them you may find that one category is your biggest challenge. If so, focus your improvement efforts there.

Mindset

It all starts with a mindset. You must recognize the value of questions and decide to change your habits and behaviors as a question asker. These four suggestions will help you make that change.

Be a beginner. If you are an expert, you don’t have much need to ask questions because you already know the answers. When you think like a beginner, you learn things or see a perspective that you didn’t have before, but only if you ask questions.

Be more curious. Children are the most curious humans, and they ask the most questions. This is no coincidence. While we may not want to ask the same questions that kids ask (though they do ask some great ones), children can be your model for curiosity and for the habit of asking more questions.

Withhold judgment longer. Once we have decided something, or solved a problem, we tend to stop asking questions (potentially bad) or continue to ask but only in a perfunctory way without listening (probably worse). Withhold your judgment a little longer. Ask a few more questions. Most of all make sure you are asking questions for understanding and expansion, rather than simply trying to confirm your assumptions.

Let people answer. OK, this should probably go without saying, but my observation is that it needs to be said. It doesn’t matter how great your questions are, if you don’t let people answer them.

The Questions Themselves

Ask more questions. The best way to harness the power of questions is just to ask more of them. It is really that simple.

Ask more open-ended questions. Open-ended questions (those that require more than a very short answer) are typically more powerful when trying to understand a situation, a person’s feeling or any sort of problem. Audit yourself and make sure you are asking questions that invite (or require) a longer or more thorough explanation.

Ask bigger questions. Ask more aspirational, longer-term, bigger-picture questions. You will learn more, help others more and find greater power when you include these types of questions in your arsenal.

Collect questions. People collect almost anything (have you been to eBay lately?); one thing I collect is questions. When I hear a great question, I write it down. When I think of a great question, I write it down. Before entering a situation (interview, consulting session, meeting) I try to review some of my questions at least mentally. Having great questions at your fingertips or at the top of your mind will help you ask better questions.

Learning More About Questions

Observe great questioners. Just like any other skill, we can get better by studying masters. If you know someone personally who you think asks great questions, observe, study and even talk to them about this important skill. Beyond those you know, you can watch great interviewers like Charlie Rose, Larry King or Barbara Walters (select your own favorites). While the nature of their situations may be much different than yours, you can learn just from watching them.

Read Dorothy Leeds. Dorothy Leeds wrote two excellent books about questions, and they are worthy of a space on your shelf. Check your nearest bookstore or go online to get a copy of Smart Questions: The Essential Strategy for Successful Managers and The Seven Powers of Questions: Secrets to Successful Communication in Life and Work.

Before I close let me mention this one caveat.

Questions are no different than any other tool – they can be a problem if they are overused. To ultimately harness the power of questions you must ask, but you must not interrogate or pester. You must also remember that asking questions should be a precursor for, not a replacement for, action. Certainly ask, but then make sure that you act on what you have learned.

Using the suggestions above will make a drastic and nearly immediate difference in your results. So, my question is, when will you get started?

About the Author

Kevin Eikenberry is a leadership expert and the Chief Potential Officer of The Kevin Eikenberry Group, a learning consulting company that helps Clients reach their potential through a variety of training, consulting and speaking services. You can learn more about him and a special offer on his newest book, Remarkable Leadership: Unleashing Your Leadership Potential One Skill at http://RemarkableLeadershipBook.com/bonuses.asp.

No marriage is perfect. Even the best of marriages experience problems from time to time. Just because you have problems in your marriage doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage or that you should end your relationship. Nor does it mean you should begin a project to fix your spouse. If you try, you will fail every time. You can’t force anyone to do or be anything. I believe that the only way to get a better spouse is to become one yourself.

They say marriage is grand and divorce is at least 10 grand!

That is why I have put together this list of 25 tips to help you become the best spouse you can be. Here it is:

1. Keep Dating – Just because you are married doesn’t mean the dating stops. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day grind of life and never get out together, away from the children, house and bills. Go to the park, a concert, the gym, out to dinner or a movie.
2. Have Courtesy – Courtesy in marriage is more than just saying “Please,” “Thank you,” “Excuse me,” or “You’re welcome.” Courtesy in marriage is calling your partner to let them know you’re going to be late. It’s being conscious of their needs and making sure they are met.
3. Show Respect – Your spouse will have opinions that are different than yours. Show respect for them by never belittling or making fun of them. Show respect for their ideas, their privacy, and their things.
4. Say “I’m Sorry” – Be the first to make peace. Be willing to say “I’m sorry” and mean it.
5. Give Surprises – The unexpected things in marriage are what add spice to life. A surprise date, a note on the mirror, finding the dishes done or flowers for no reason can boost your marriage.
6. Have a Sense of Humor – Be playful, be funny, lighten up from time to time. Find the humor in any situation.
7. Give Support – Show interest in your spouse’s outside interests and support them in it. Be a cheerleader for them. Help them accomplish their goals.
8. Give Compliments – Find things about your spouse to compliment. They need to know that you still find them attractive or smart or talented. Tell them.
9. Say “I love you” – You can never say this too much. Tell them every day that you love them. Go one step further and tell them why you love them.
10. Have Fun – Don’t be a stick in the mud and never do anything fun. Go out and try new things. Or better yet, do the old things you did when you were dating that were so fun.
11. Keep Talking – Communicate. Speak to each other. It’s amazing how many couples never talk. You talked until 3 in the morning when you where dating. Why did you stop?
12. Keep Confidences – Don’t talk about your personal marriage problems with your parents or your friends. This is none of their business. There is a certain level of trust expected in a marriage that we must not tarnish.
13. Connect Daily – Whether it’s a phone call, email, text message or chatting on Facebook; connect with your spouse every day just to say “Hi, how’s your day going?” Touching bases shows you care.
14. Give Gifts – They say you can’t buy love but a gift now and then can help brighten the love you’ve got. It doesn’t need to be big or expensive, just a small token that shows you care. Of course big gifts can be nice too!
15. Work Together – When you do things together like remodeling a room or planting a garden, you both feel that sense of accomplishment which strengthens the bonds of your relationship.
16. Never Humiliate – Don’t correct or demean or put down your spouse in front of others. It’s bad enough to do these things when you are alone but to humiliate in front of others is paramount to marital suicide.
17. Listen – One of the simplest yet most neglected things we can do to strengthen our marriage relationship is to listen. It can be a challenge in our multi-tasking-world to stop everything we are doing and actually listen with our full attention but this is crucial to showing we care.
18. Romance – Somewhere deep inside every adult is a giddy, silly teenager that thrived on juvenile crushes, puppy love and romance. It doesn’t go away; we just tend to suppress it. Light up your relationship again with romance.
19. Bury the Past – In other words, learn to forgive. Let things go. Don’t keep dredging up past offenses every time you have a new argument. Forgive and forget.
20. Write Notes – One of the easiest things you can do for your spouse is to write a simple love note and leave it somewhere to be discovered. Somehow, putting it in writing makes it that much more meaningful.
21. Pick Your Battles – Some things just aren’t worth fighting over. If the issue at hand won’t matter in the long run then concede the battle. Let it go. Winning battles only to lose the war is foolish.
22. Say “Thank You” – Show appreciation for the little things you take for granted on a daily basis. Your spouse needs to hear from time to time: “Thank you for going to work every day.” “Thanks for a wonderful dinner.” “Thanks for mowing the lawn.” Say it and mean it.
23. Don’t Smother – When they say a married couple should be “as one” it doesn’t mean you should be tied together 24×7. Allow some slack in the marriage bond from time to time to allow your spouse some personal time and expression.
24. Sacrifice – Give up something you want so your “better half” can have what they want. Let them choose the restaurant, the movie or television show.
25. Be Nice – This sounds obvious but sometimes we treat those closest to us worse than we treat strangers. If you treated your friends like you treated your spouse would you have any friends? Something to think about.

My oldest daughter Erika was home from college for the summer and for one reason or another we were just not getting along. This is what I recorded in my journal that day:

Today was Mother’s Day. It was a good day. However, first I want to note what I feel was a significant thing that happened to me today. My relationship with Erika lately had been less than warm. It seemed we were clashing about something on a daily basis and I was so down and depressed about it. I just was so sad inside. I had no smiles in me. It was like I had a dark cloud following me around. And of course last night it happened again when we had some not-so-nice words about what you call a car gas cap, of all things! I wanted so bad to just chew her out and tell her how I really felt about the way she talks to me. I felt like telling her if she wanted to live here she better treat me right or she should just go live somewhere else. But I bit my tongue and said nothing.

Well, this morning I still had the gloomy cloud over me. I was in the bathroom about to shave when Erika came in. She smiled at me and then apologized about what she said last night. I told her that her apology was accepted and that I forgave her.

I was really amazed that the dark gloomy cloud over me totally lifted. From that point on my whole day was great. I felt so good inside like a light had been turned on. Even my headache went away.  

Two things I learned: First the value of holding your tongue. If I had chewed her out I’m sure we would still have bad blood between us. The second thing I learned was the power of our moods and how much they affect everything we do – for good or ill. Interesting.

Next time you get the urge to verbally berate someone, think twice and bite your tongue. You may be surprised at the outcome.

Are you the kind of person who struggles in social settings? Are you shy and tend to stand in the background? Do you run from social situations because they are scary and uncomfortable for you?

You may have seen other people that seem to project self-confidence. They appear to have no problem in any social situation. They make friends easily and seem to be able to connect with others. How do they do it?

Today I’m going to share 6 ways to help you develop confidence with others. If you follow these six simple tips you will begin to feel more confident with yourself and more comfortable in social settings. There is no magic here, just six simple tips. Here they are:

Tip Number 1: Be a Front-Row-Seater

When you attend any function such as a meeting, seminar, or class where there is a large group of people, what is the first row of seats that fill up? The back row! It seems like most everyone wants to be in the back, out of the way, unobtrusive, and unnoticed. They want to just slide into the back unobserved. You need to change that attitude. You need to be a front-row-seater.

Let’s face it; outgoing, confident people don’t sit on the back row. You will find those people sitting on the front row and that’s where you should be also. It’s a signal of your willingness to jump in and be a part of the situation. Sitting on the front row may be uncomfortable at first but it puts you right up there with the important people. Another benefit is that you are better able to contribute to the meeting or discussion than if you are sitting in the back. So that’s my first suggestion is to be a front-row-seater. 

Tip Number 2: Make eye contact

Have you noticed that shy people rarely look you in the eye? When you walk past them they tend to avoid you and look the other way. It’s very uncomfortable for them to look you in the eye. This usually happens because they are afraid to engage you, meaning if they acknowledge you in any way then they may have to actually say something to you. It’s easier and safer to pretend they don’t see you.

Maybe you are that kind of person and have that same problem. Maybe you don’t even notice it. Pay attention to how you react when you pass someone on the sidewalk or in the hallway at work. Do you look the other person in the eye and make eye contact? If not then you have some work to do.

If you want to convey the message that you are a self-assured and confident person then you need to practice looking others in the eye. Don’t be afraid of the other person. Acknowledge that you see they are there. I’m not saying you should stare them down or that it should be some sort of confrontation, but that it should be a friendly gaze into the other person’s eye.  

Tip Number 3: Walk 25% faster

I’ve noticed that there are some people who walk extremely slow. It’s amazing how slow some people walk. I don’t even know how they can walk so slowly. My body doesn’t even go that slow. They just sort of plod along as if they were pulling a 200 pound weight behind them, dragging from one place to the next. It’s frustrating sometimes to get stuck behind slow moving people! When a snail has to tell you to get out of road, then you know you’re going too slow!

When you see someone like this, what are your thoughts? I don’t know about you but I have a hard time not thinking of them in negative terms, like they are aimlessly going nowhere. I’m ashamed to admit that the term “loser” crosses my mind a time or two.   

But when you see someone walking briskly with their shoulders straight, their head up and they are moving forward as if nothing is going to stop them, you get the impression that they are a person that has confidence in themselves and are going places in life.  

So my tip is to walk 25% faster than you normally walk. When I say 25% faster, I don’t mean that you should get a pedometer and measure exactly your walking speed and then increase it by 25 %. What I mean is for you to make sure you walk briskly with confidence, like you have somewhere important to be. Walk like you have meaning and direction in your life.

Tip Number 4: Speak Up!

You may not be aware of it but many times when we speak to each other we speak in barely audible tones. Have you noticed that people who are confident and seem to be going somewhere speak up, speak clearly and speak loudly? Again it’s a message of confidence. It’s a message of “I’m not afraid to speak up. I have a healthy self-image. I have something important to say and I’m not just going to mumble it or say something under my breath, but I’m going to speak up and be heard!” So speak up!

Tip Number 5: Smile and smile big

There are some people who seem to carry the whole world on their shoulders. They have a perpetual cloud over their head and a sour expression on their face. They make you wonder what kind of sad, miserable life they live.

Then there are those who go around with a permanent smile on their face. They are friendly and confident and cheerful. They look you in the eye and say “Hello!”

Think about which kind of people you like to be around. Are they the ones that always have a grim look on their face or those that have a smile? Let’s face it, who wants to hang around a grump? We would much rather be around those that are happy and cheerful. It’s normal and natural.

So smile and smile big! Show others that you are happy and that you are glad to see them. Show them that you are pleased with who you are and where you are going in life.

Tip Number 6: Call the other person by name

It’s been said many times that the sweetest word in the English language is a person’s own name. People love it when somebody uses their name.

Let’s be honest. When someone takes the time to learn your name and remembers it the next time they meet you, aren’t you impressed? Don’t you instantly like that person? And when someone who should know your name can’t seem to recall it, doesn’t your opinion of them drop by about 1000 percent? The non-verbal message is that you are not important enough for them to learn your name. We are all human and have a need to feel important. When someone remembers your name you feel more important than when someone can’t remember your name.

We can have impact and power with other people when we take the trouble to learn their name and use it then next time we see them.

So that’s my message for today. If you want to develop more confidence with others and feel more comfortable in social settings, follow these 6 simple tips.