Larson Institute of Self-Mastery » Marriage

How to Stay Happily Married With Kids

Guest — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 08:02:26 +0000

Guest author Bonnie Foshee

Keeping your marriage alive is very important for having a happy and healthy family. You need to work on your marriage as well as having family time. Do you know the happy marriage recipe?

Raising a family can be challenging and stressful at times. However, the common goals and emotional, financial, and physical investments made can be a common bond between husband and wife. One that compliments their marriage relationship.

Of course, like anything else worthwhile, maintaining a healthy husband and wife relationship with children underfoot takes effort. The following tips can help keep marital bliss alive:

Happy Marriage Recipe

Every happy marriage begins and ends with the same ingredient; the willingness to negotiate. The stumbling block in some relationships, however, is that while the husband was taught to take the upper hand, the wife may have been trained to cooperate. Marriage partners in an equal marriage need to define their husband wife role, to themselves and each other. This lays the groundwork for mutual respect; and the understanding that when there is a conflict, both parties must be ready to negotiate.

A Touch of Romance

Every bit as important as remaining best friends throughout married life, intimacy in marriage is vital. This includes emotional intimacy as well as sexual intimacy. Time alone together to share feelings is a must. An occasional romantic dinner or romantic weekend getaway can work wonders in bringing the two of you closer together and reducing stress. Go on a date with your spouse! And remember, intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex; nor should it. Time to just hold hands or cuddle is crucial for maintaining a close, happy relationship.

Rituals and Routines

A family ritual such as mom gets to sleep late every other Saturday morning while dad gets up with the kids, and visa versa, is a habit that can become a fun, meaningful ritual. And although having a daily routine sounds mundane, routines are essential for a happy, harmonious family life. For instance, weekly or monthly family activites, and a pizza and movie night every other week can be fun parts of a family routine. Agreeing upon rituals that support family values and a daily routine as a couple is another key to a happy marriage.

In Summary

The best advice I received was from my sister, “You have to work on your marriage. The children will grow up and move away. You still want to have a relationship with your spouse after they are gone.” Your relationship with your spouse has to come first if you are going to be a good parent. The children will be happier and more secure if they see you have a strong relationship. Besides, after your children grow up and move away, you don’t want to look at your spouse and wonder who this stranger is because you do not know each other anymore.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Bonnie Foshee, Parenting Expert, Discover 11 Free Powerful Parenting Tips. If you need help with your marriage, go to Save My Marriage Today!

The Two Little Words Every Happy Relationship Needs

Guest — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 04:28:31 +0000

Guest author Todd R. Reed

QUESTION: What’s the most common phrase couples use when they argue?

ANSWER: “You just don’t understand.”

In fact, feeling misunderstood is the number one complaint marriage and family counselors hear from couples who come in for counseling. And yet, the ability to say “I understand” is the most important skill for any person in a committed relationship to develop. These two words make the most powerful statement in the English language. “I understand” can be even more important than saying “I love you,” because before you can completely feel loved, you need to feel understood.”

Here are the top mistakes spouses make when it comes to making their partners feel understood and how you can easily work together to correct them:

* Mistake #1: Saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” When your mate says this, it may feel like she is dismissing your feelings. What’s usually happening here is that she disagrees with you, but wants to spare your feelings. In other words, by elaborating on her opinions, your significant other knows she will risk making you even more upset, so she says as little as possible. What she doesn’t realize, however, is that robbing you of the chance to explain why you feel the way you do–not the fact that she disagrees with you–is what’s really making you upset, because that’s what makes you feel misunderstood.

* Easy solution: Calmly tell her, “I’m not asking you to agree with me. I just need you to understand where I’m coming from. Then give her an index card with the words “I understand that you’re feeling _____ about _____ because _____ written on it and have her fill in the blanks as she reads it back to you. This card serves as a “cheat sheet” to get your significant into the habit of showing she understands what you’re saying. Granted, using this card may feel awkward at first. But the good news is, you shouldn’t have to use it more than a few times. Besides, what would you rather feel-a little awkward at first or understood?

* Mistake #2: Trying to solve your problem before you’ve even had a chance to finish talking about it. You bare your soul to your husband, and his response is, “Here’s what you do.” When he next launches into detailed advice on how to fix your problem, you’re miffed–and with good reason. You just wanted to be heard and understood, not told what to do! When men do this, they honestly think they’re being helpful. Remember, they were raised to be problem-solvers, so the solutions they offer really do come from a loving place.

* Easy solution: Knowing what to say first. The next time you sit down to talk with your spouse about something that’s bothering you, look him in the eye and say, “All I want to do is vent.” Why does this work? For starters, when you tell him all you want to do is talk about what you’re feeling, he’ll feel off the hook about coming up with solutions and will be more likely to listen. Soon, he’ll also recognize that just by listening he is, in a way, solving your problem, and that will make him feel good.

* Mistake #3: Telling you her point of view before you’ve had a chance to finish telling her yours. Have you ever tried to vent about something that’s bothering you to your other half, only to be interrupted? Chances are, your partner doesn’t do it to be rude or uncaring. It may be merely second nature to her to interject her thoughts, or she may just be thinking out loud. Either way, her intentions are honorable, in that she wants to help, but you still feel misunderstood.

* Easy solution: Hold something in your hand to signify you have the floor. It can be anything–a piece of paper, a pillow, even a pen or magic marker. The rule is this: only the person holding the object can speak. Then, when you’re finished, pass the object to your partner. It will then be her turn to talk and your turn to listen. Doing this will give each of you an equal chance to voice your feelings so that, by the end of the conversation, you will both feel heard and understood.

* Mistake #4: Being helpful in the wrong way by saying “Don’t worry” or “It will pass.” When you share a problem with your spouse, and he sees you’re upset about it, his instinct to protect you tends to take over. So, instead of discussing the problem or hearing you out, he tells you not to worry about it. He truly believes he’s being helpful by consoling you in this way. The problem is, when he does this instead of acknowledging your feelings, it feels minimizing–like what’s bothering you isn’t a big deal and maybe you’re overreacting.

* Easy solution: If your man has a habit of telling you not to worry, preface your conversations with this statement: “This may not seem important to you, but it is to me, so please hear me out and don’t tell me not to worry.” A firm statement like this tells him that while something is bothering you, you’re in control of your emotions. This takes the pressure off of him to move into his protective mode, which, in turn, makes him more likely to lend a sympathetic ear. And when you’re finished talking? If he hasn’t yet said those magic words, don’t hesitate to ask him point blank, “Do you understand how I’m feeling?” That way, his response is guaranteed to be the words you long to hear: “Yes, I understand.”

Todd Reed
“The Communication Coach”, Author, Speaker, Television & Radio Host
http://www.conversationissexy.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Todd_R_Reed

25 Tips for a Terrific Marriage

Gary N. Larson — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 17:00:52 +0000

Marrying someone is a scary thing. You hope you choose the right person. You think you know them but you don’t. Not really! When my wife Lisa and I were dating we were so much in love. We couldn’t stand to be apart from each other. Neither of us could do any wrong. Then we got married. I woke up the next day beside a complete stranger! Who is this person? The first time we went shopping together we got into a big fight about cheese, if you can believe that!

No marriage is perfect. Even the best of marriages experience problems from time to time. Just because you have problems in your marriage doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage or that you should end your relationship. Nor does it mean you should begin a project to fix your spouse. If you try, you will fail every time. You can’t force anyone to do or be anything. I believe that the only way to get a better spouse is to become one yourself.

They say marriage is grand and divorce is at least 10 grand!

That is why I have put together this list of 25 tips to help you become the best spouse you can be. Here it is:

Keep Dating – Just because you are married doesn’t mean the dating stops. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day grind of life and never get out together, away from the children, house and bills. Go to the park, a concert, the gym, out to dinner or a movie.
Have Courtesy – Courtesy in marriage is more than just saying “Please,” “Thank you,” “Excuse me,” or “You’re welcome.” Courtesy in marriage is calling your partner to let them know you’re going to be late. It’s being conscious of their needs and making sure they are met.
Show Respect – Your spouse will have opinions that are different than yours. Show respect for them by never belittling or making fun of them. Show respect for their ideas, their privacy, and their things.
Say “I’m Sorry” – Be the first to make peace. Be willing to say “I’m sorry” and mean it.
Give Surprises – The unexpected things in marriage are what add spice to life. A surprise date, a note on the mirror, finding the dishes done or flowers for no reason can boost your marriage.
Have a Sense of Humor – Be playful, be funny, lighten up from time to time. Find the humor in any situation.
Give Support – Show interest in your spouse’s outside interests and support them in it. Be a cheerleader for them. Help them accomplish their goals.
Give Compliments – Find things about your spouse to compliment. They need to know that you still find them attractive or smart or talented. Tell them.
Say “I love you” – You can never say this too much. Tell them every day that you love them. Go one step further and tell them why you love them.
Have Fun – Don’t be a stick in the mud and never do anything fun. Go out and try new things. Or better yet, do the old things you did when you were dating that were so fun.
Keep Talking – Communicate. Speak to each other. It’s amazing how many couples never talk. You talked until 3 in the morning when you where dating. Why did you stop?
Keep Confidences – Don’t talk about your personal marriage problems with your parents or your friends. This is none of their business. There is a certain level of trust expected in a marriage that we must not tarnish.
Connect Daily – Whether it’s a phone call, email, text message or chatting on Facebook; connect with your spouse every day just to say “Hi, how’s your day going?” Touching bases shows you care.
Give Gifts – They say you can’t buy love but a gift now and then can help brighten the love you’ve got. It doesn’t need to be big or expensive, just a small token that shows you care. Of course big gifts can be nice too!
Work Together – When you do things together like remodeling a room or planting a garden, you both feel that sense of accomplishment which strengthens the bonds of your relationship.
Never Humiliate – Don’t correct or demean or put down your spouse in front of others. It’s bad enough to do these things when you are alone but to humiliate in front of others is paramount to marital suicide.
Listen – One of the simplest yet most neglected things we can do to strengthen our marriage relationship is to listen. It can be a challenge in our multi-tasking-world to stop everything we are doing and actually listen with our full attention but this is crucial to showing we care.
Romance – Somewhere deep inside every adult is a giddy, silly teenager that thrived on juvenile crushes, puppy love and romance. It doesn’t go away; we just tend to suppress it. Light up your relationship again with romance.
Bury the Past – In other words, learn to forgive. Let things go. Don’t keep dredging up past offenses every time you have a new argument. Forgive and forget.
Write Notes – One of the easiest things you can do for your spouse is to write a simple love note and leave it somewhere to be discovered. Somehow, putting it in writing makes it that much more meaningful.
Pick Your Battles – Some things just aren’t worth fighting over. If the issue at hand won’t matter in the long run then concede the battle. Let it go. Winning battles only to lose the war is foolish.
Say “Thank You” – Show appreciation for the little things you take for granted on a daily basis. Your spouse needs to hear from time to time: “Thank you for going to work every day.” “Thanks for a wonderful dinner.” “Thanks for mowing the lawn.” Say it and mean it.
Don’t Smother – When they say a married couple should be “as one” it doesn’t mean you should be tied together 24×7. Allow some slack in the marriage bond from time to time to allow your spouse some personal time and expression.
Sacrifice – Give up something you want so your “better half” can have what they want. Let them choose the restaurant, the movie or television show.
Be Nice – This sounds obvious but sometimes we treat those closest to us worse than we treat strangers. If you treated your friends like you treated your spouse would you have any friends? Something to think about.

Anger Management

Gary N. Larson — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 07:54:09 +0000