Are you deficit spending in the most important relationships in your life? This article will help you get out of emotional debt and turn your failing relationships around.

I have a 15-year-old teenage daughter. Kimberly is her name. She and I have always had a close relationship as father and daughter. Recently, though, I’ve noticed that she doesn’t want much to do with me. In fact our relationship has been strained on a fairly frequent basis. When I see her and say “Hi” she barely acknowledges me. When I ask her how school is going she gives me a scowl and mumbles something under her breath that sounds like “go away and leave me alone.” I couldn’t quite make it out. Anyway, I was getting concerned. I know deep down inside that she loves me. So what was going on here?

I suppose I could chalk up this behavior to the normal teenage tension that goes on between adolescents and their parents, but I just wasn’t buying that. What really was the root cause here?

What is the Love Account?

This is my take on it. With each person that we have a relationship with, we have something I like to call a “Love Account.” Just like a bank account, we make deposits and withdrawals in the Love Account. And like a bank account, if we don’t make deposits on a regular basis then we can’t expect to make withdrawals from it without consequences.

I could see that my Love Account with my daughter was overdrawn. In fact she was ready to close the account! This can happen to each of our relationships with family members if we aren’t careful. We have Love Accounts with each of our children, our spouse, our parents and so on. If we expect to withdraw benefits from each of these accounts we need to be making regular deposits.

What is a deposit into the Love Account?

For each person it can be different. What may be a deposit for one person wouldn’t necessarily be a deposit for another. One way to make deposits in your children’s Love Account is to be there and support them with the important events in their lives. If my daughter is in a play it means I had better make darn sure I go and see her in her play. If my son has a soccer game or a concert it means I show my love and support by being there. They may not even acknowledge it. They may not say anything like, “Thanks for being there, dad.” But you did make a deposit and every deposit builds the account so that later when you need to make a withdrawal, you won’t bankrupt the account.

My son Preston has a Boy Scout campout this weekend and dads are always invited to go with them. As much as I sometimes dread packing up all the camping gear and sleeping out on the cold, hard ground, it’s a huge deposit into my son’s Love Account when I am there with him.

Other ways we make deposits are being kind and sweet and loving. We make deposits by caring about the other person and seeing that their needs are met. We make deposits by being interested in their life and what they are currently going through. We make deposits by being generous with our stuff. We make deposits with notes of appreciation or even appropriate gifts. All of these things can build the Love Account.

Make sure the deposits are things that are of worth to the intended person. I heard a story of some parents who bought tickets to the Broadway play Phantom of the Opera for their teenage son. Unfortunately, what was of high value to the parents was of little value to their son. You need to understand what makes them tick and what they are into so you will know what is of high value to them. I know my daughter Kimberly loves clothes, shoes and lip gloss. She’s a 15-year-old girl and these are things that she is into right now.

What is a withdrawal?

There are two kinds of withdrawals. The first kind of withdrawal is made up of the expected rewards that come from a full and overflowing Love Account. With our children it may be receiving their cooperation, their love, a smile or a hug. It is also when we need something from them such as cleaning their room or doing their homework or being home by curfew.

With our spouse it is when we need love and affection and intimacy. These are legitimate withdrawals we are entitled to when we have filled the Love Account.

The second kind of withdrawal is when we do things that damage the relationship. When we miss the important events in their lives we are making withdrawals. When we disregard their interests or needs or when we violate their trust we are making withdrawals. When we criticize or put down or show disrespect we are making withdrawals. When we make fun of or embarrass them in public, withdrawals are being made. These things can take a major toll on the Love Account and quickly put it in deficit.

Like a bank, there is a penalty exacted then you write a check with insufficient funds in the Love Account. It costs you more than just the face value of the check.

Also, like an interest-bearing account, the more you deposit the more interest you earn. Your rewards are greater than the total amount you have deposited into the account.

Pay attention to your Love Accounts

So my message today is to pay attention to the Love Accounts in your life. Keep them full and overflowing. There is no better place to invest your time and effort. The rewards will always be more than you put in.

As for me and my 15-year-old daughter, it’s time to make some deposits. Where do you buy lip gloss anyway?

Thank you.

Master Yourself, Master Your Life

Copyright © 2009 Garold N. Larson

No marriage is perfect. Even the best of marriages experience problems from time to time. Just because you have problems in your marriage doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage or that you should end your relationship. A marriage is a work in progress which requires patience and love.

Marriage was ordained of God

We read in the Bible in Genesis 2:24 – “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

From the beginning marriage has been ordained of God. It is a divine institution. It is sacred and should be treated as such. Have you ever stopped and thought about the fact that, in God’s eyes, marriage isn’t just a legal transaction like buying a car or a house – it is a sacred rite, like baptism or confirmation. When we mess with marriage we are treading on sacred ground.

Worldly concepts that affect marriage:

Sad to say but there are few today who view marriage as sacred. I’m afraid the world we live in has contributed to the cheapening of marriage. Consider the following:

1. It’s a disposable world – we have disposable razors and diapers. You don’t even fix VCRs or DVD players anymore; you just throw them away and buy new ones. Marriage is looked upon in the same way.

2. It’s a quick fix world – you can fix your eyes in a day with laser surgery. You can whiten your teeth and get an instant tan in the same day. We are an impatient world and when something isn’t working we want it fixed right now. If we can’t fix our marriage right away then we want out.

3. It’s a “new morality” world – Chastity and virtue and faithfulness to your spouse are scoffed and scorned. But when you examine this “new morality” closer you’ll find it’s just the “old immorality.”

Marriage: A frightening adventure!

Marrying someone is a scary thing. You hope you choose the right person. You think you know them but you don’t. Not really! When my wife Lisa and I were dating we were so in love. We couldn’t stand to be apart from each other. Neither of us could do any wrong. Then we got married. You wake up the next day to a stranger! Who is this person? Our first time shopping together and we got into a big fight about cheese, if you can believe that!

Our first big fight

One time just after we were married we were at a friend’s house and I happened to say something that really embarrassed Lisa. Well, the drive home that night was not good. Boy did I get it up one side and down the other. When we pulled into the parking lot to our apartment building Lisa just got out of the car and started walking to the apartment without me. Obviously she didn’t want me with her. So I just started up the car and took off. I was going to show her!

I was mad. I drove aimlessly through the city trying to sort out my feelings. I needed to go somewhere to think but nothing was open that late at night. So I drove out to the airport. This was before the days of high security. I began walking around the airport trying to figure things out and blow off some steam. I was practically the only person in the whole place.

For some reason I looked at my hand. I looked again in disbelief! My wedding ring was gone. “Oh, great!” I thought. “I’ve lost my wedding ring and Lisa’s going to think I threw it in the river or something! I’ve got to find it.”

I began searching the airport, retracing all my steps. It was nowhere to be found. I searched my car. I drove around aimlessly knowing I couldn’t go back to Lisa without my wedding ring.

Several hours went by. I parked the car and just sat there. What was I going to do? Then a thought came to me. “Perhaps I lost it at work today.” At that time I worked in a small cabinet shop. I just happened to have the key to the shop with me. By now it was about two in the morning. I drove to the cabinet shop and walked up to the door. I had been running several machines that day. Each of these machines were attached to big dust collectors, like giant vacuums, that sucked all the sawdust into a huge dumpster just outside the shop. I looked at that dumpster and my heart sank. If my ring got sucked up in there it would take days for me to find it.

I unlocked the shop and went inside. I looked at each of the machines I had used that day. There, sitting on one of the machines was a pair of gloves I had worn when I ran that machine. I picked up the left glove and put my hand inside. There was my ring! Oh I was so happy.

I jumped into the car and drove back to the apartment. I climbed the three flights of stairs to the floor where we lived. As I came closer to the door I could hear loud sobbing coming from inside the apartment.

“Oh Gary, please come home! Pleeeeaaaaase come home Gary!”

Oh, my poor, dear, sweet wife. What have I done? I opened the door and said “I’m home! I’m home!” I fully expected her to throw her arms around me and shower me with hugs and kisses. Oh no. This was not to be! Lisa took one look at me and screamed, “Don’t you ever do that again! You dirty rotten excuse for a human being! How dare you leave me?”

And THAT was the beginning of our sacred marriage. It took a lot of compromise and give-and-take. We’ve gone through our good times and bad times. We’ve had six wonderful children and twenty six years of living and growing together to get to the point now where we can’t live without each other. We’re best friends now, where we finish each other’s sentences, and where we have more affection and love and attraction to each other than on our wedding day. We’re not perfect. We still have our struggles – but we’re in it for the long haul because we love each other and because God is our partner in marriage. And THAT makes it sacred. Just remember that it didn’t get that way over night!

Thank you.

Copyright © 2009 Garold N. Larson