Liz Bostick is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in disorders related to depression, anxiety and trauma. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Liz_Bostick

Guest author Rebecca Nagy

I was sitting across from some clients – the topic – “he doesn’t seem to listen to what I am saying”. As I watched the dynamic, I noticed that one of the group kept looking around the room, at his feet, picking imaginary lint off his pants – looking everywhere but at his co-worker. He wasn’t “hearing” what she was saying, he was searching for responses. In my over 20 years of counseling and coaching couples, individuals and groups, the first topic I always address is communication.

Whether you are communicating with a spouse, client or co-worker, the hearing mechanism is key to understanding what is actually being said.

There is a difference between listening and hearing. We “listen” to music – but when we are engaged in conversation we need to “hear” what the other person is saying.

The first key to really hearing someone is to connect to them by looking them straight in the eyes. This way you can get in tune with their body language, flashes of emotion and facial expression. You can also focus better on what is being said, versus what you think they are saying. We listen and hear through filters that are driven by past experiences and the emotional charge related to those experiences.

Another formula is to listen for the communication style that the other person is using:

• “I Feel” = this is an emotionally based person, and its important to engage them with responses such as, “I understand how you are feeling…”
• “I See” = this is a visually attuned person, and you might be well-served to talk with visually-descriptive images, and begin with “I can see that you want to have…”
• “I Think” normally indicates a linear person, who wants facts and figures, bullet lists and objectives. You will totally turn this person off by responding to them with “I feel”. Bottom line it for them – do a check list of what their goals and objectives are – repeat them back to them – and make notes while they are talking!

It is also important to be aware of expectations, and in the case of speaking with clients from various parts of the country – what the accepted communication style actually IS. Debra Tannen, PhD has an excellent chapter on this in her book, “That’s Not What I Meant!” about how northerners, southerners and mid westerners speak.

The first 24 years of my career was spent in the fast-paced, quick talking, wheeler-dealer NYC fashion industry. If I sat across from a salesman and didn’t say anything – they assumed that I was this sweet, innocent little Southern Belle and quickly went in for the kill. I have very expressive eyes and facial expressions, and find it difficult to mask my reactions to what is being said. But then again, people always know where I stand – which has actually done me in good stead over the years of working closely with clients on resolving communication issues. But with this type of wheeler-dealer, it was seen as a sign of weakness and inexperience.

Staying neutral in these situations can be much improved through keeping your emotions and thoughts from swinging all over the place during a conversation. When our minds are too busy and chaotic it can be difficult to find the right thing to say and the right moment to say it. A tool that has helped me to do this is Meditation. It has helped me and countless others remain focused in the present, taming the “monkey mind” that begins, like the client I mentioned at the beginning, to jump all over the place instead of remaining focused on what is being said. I have been meditating for over 30 years, and I find that when I don’t meditate my conversations are more likely to be colored by my emotion and feeling filter, and my ability to really connect with what people are saying is more difficult.

The more you meditate the more you will notice that extraneous thoughts melt away, and your mind will become steady and alert. You be able to be in the moment and fully comprehend what the person or situation is expecting, saying and needs to accomplish. And even better – your communication will be in alignment with who you are and what the other person can hear!

Rebecca Nagy is the founder of New Directions, based in Charlotte, NC. She is an author, inspirational and motivational speaker, master meditation coach, and spiritual teacher. A professional member of The National Speaker’s Association, The World Future Society, The Monroe Institute and The Institute of Noetic Sciences, she is also the author of “Instant Calm” an audio CD program on Meditation. Rebecca’s own experience with overcoming a spinal injury confirmed her belief in the authentic and transforming power of the body/mind/spirit connection. Subsequently, she made a decision in 1998 to leave her 20 year fashion career to dedicate herself in following a dream of becoming a professional speaker. Since then, Rebecca has been inspiring audiences from the pulpit to the platform, with her uplifting messages and strategies for change and transformation. She speaks throughout the country on The Power of the Mind and How Your Thoughts Can Change Your Life.For more information please visit her website: http://www.rebeccanagy.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rebecca_Nagy

Guest author Bolanle Yinka-Babalola

We all communicate, whether at home, work, school or play. In fact, the art of communication is the first thing a child learns as soon as he is born.

In its simplest form, it has been described as the process of giving and receiving information. While this is true, most of the time, some of the information being given may be lost in transmission because of interruptions and other distractions that interfere with the communication process. These tips will help you to improve on your communication regardless of what end of the conversation you are on.

• Speak Clearly and Concisely.

As much as possible, be clear and concise when you speak so that your listeners wouldn’t have a hard time trying to figure out what you are trying to say. Pay particular attention to your diction and pronunciation. If you have a problem with some particular words, you might want to practice them over and over again when you are alone so that it does not get in the way of your communication. Another helpful tip is to engage the service of a speech therapist.

• Keep them short and simple.

Too many words tend to drown the real message and would most likely leave the hearer more confused. Refrain from the use of ambiguous words and phrases. Stick to simple, easy to understand words.

• Maintain eye contact.

When you speak or listen to someone with your eyes focused elsewhere most of the time, there are chances they might think that you:

1. Lack self confidence.
2. Are not comfortable speaking to, or listening to them and cannot wait to take your leave.
3. Do not believe what they are saying.
4. Are not telling the truth.
5. Are trying to hide something

Any of these would have a negative impact on your communication and could distort the information you’re trying to pass across.

On the other hand, when you make eye contact, you project confidence not only in yourself but also in your message. Establishing and maintaining eye contact with the other person gives the impression of attentiveness and sincerity. It shows the other person that you are paying attention to what they are saying. It also tells your listeners that you are being sincere with the information you are communicating.

• Lean forward and show interest.

There is nothing more distracting than a body language that screams “I am not interested in you or what you have to say!”. Regardless of what end of the conversation you’re on, this is the message you’ll be passing across if you are engaged in a conversation with your body turned away or relaxed. An upright body posture (whether you are standing or sitting) that leans forward shows keen interest and tells whoever is watching you that you are in sync with them.

• Do not finish other’s sentences for them.

Trying to complete other’s sentences in conversation shows impatience and could be a rude gesture. Even if you know how they are going to end the sentence, its best to wait until they are done. Besides, how do you even know that you know what they are going to say, since you are not inside their head? Show respect for the other person’s presence and point of view by letting them speak for themselves. Afterall, communication is a two way thing, isn’t it?

• Listen to the other person without interruption.

This helps to facilitate a free flow of expression between both parties. It is also a tacit way of showing respect for the other person’s opinion. If you find it a little difficult to refrain from interrupting while someone is speaking, try to write down points that you might want to raise as soon as the other person is done speaking. Writing down your thoughts and opinions about what is being discussed will:

1. Give you the opportunity to reconsider what you are about to bring up. You might realize that it is not after all relevant in the big picture.
2. Give you the opportunity to arrange your thoughts for orderly presentation.
3. Help you to take control of any negative emotion that may interfere with your flow.

• Mirror the other person’s body language

This is a useful tip when you are at the listening end of the conversation. Adopting the speaker’s body language is a tacit way of expressing empathy for the speaker’s point of view. It gives the impression that you are in tune with the flow of the conversation. In one-on-one conversations, you might want to:

1. Stand if the other person is standing. This will help your self confidence and erase the appearance of pride and/or insecurity in both parties. Standing face to face with the other person in conversation gives the appearance that you are relating with them on the same level.
2. Take a seat if the other person is sitting. It has the same psychological effect of making you feel like you are on the same level with the other person.
3. Watch out for other non verbal cues like facial expressions, relaxed or tensed postures and voice pitch.

• Do not engage in other activities.

Multitasking during a conversation tells the other party that you do not attach much importance to their person and/or what they have to say, and this could have a negative impact on your communication. You might also miss out on important details in your conversation if you are not giving it 100% of your attention. If you are busy with a major task, you may postpone the conversation until another time when you will be able to give it your undivided attention.

• Be careful not to send toxic signals.

Be careful of gestures like

1. Glancing at your watch/ wall clock: I really don not have the time to listen to you.
2. Tapping your foot/fingers: I am getting bored/ impatient/can’t wait to get this over with.
3. Answering calls/sending sms: You are not so important; I have other things to do.
4. Shifty eyes: I am not comfortable around you!

In the course of your daily activities, you cannot avoid some conversations that will make you a little uncomfortable. However, the key to getting through such awkward moments is outright sincerity and openness. When you have nothing hide, you do not have to worry about sending out the wrong signals. You also have to bear in mind that in dealing with negative situations, you might have to employ some tact and diplomacy or go for outright confrontation, depending on the peculiarity of the situation you are dealing with.

Bolanle Yinka-Babalola is a graduate of International Relations. http://www.estwal.blogspot.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Bolanle_Yinka-Babalola

 

Guest author Kimberly Berry

Do you know how to listen? Sometimes we think we know how to listen, but we aren’t actually hearing what our partner is trying to tell us. The number one complaint I hear from couples is that their partner does not listen to them.

Listening is one of the most important tools you can master for great communication in your relationship. It may easily be the one tool that has the power to dramatically turn your communication around.

Listening takes effort and does not happen automatically. Many of us mistakenly believe that we will just suddenly become great listeners. It takes a little practice but your relationship will thank you for the effort over and over.

There are many roadblocks that get in the way of our ability to listen and hear each other.

Here are three of the most damaging:

1) Assuming You Know What Your Partner Is Feeling

When you tell your partner how they feel or what they mean, you immediately shut down the conversation. Think about the way it makes you feel when your partner claims to “know just how you feel.” The truth is that no one can ever know exactly how you feel. And that is okay. Your feelings cannot be argued with. They are yours and yours alone. Saying, “I can see how you might feel that way” is much more conducive to great listening.

Starting your statements with the word “you” frequently causes a defensive reaction. Instead, try to reflect what your partner said by saying something like, “It sounds like…” or “If I understand what you’re saying…”

Then, be open to him or her letting you know if you really understood or not; some clarification may be necessary.

2) Distractions

It’s possible to look like you are listening even when you’re not. However, to truly listen, you need to do more than just put on your “listening face.” How frustrating is it to try to talk to someone who doesn’t even bother to stop what they are doing when you are trying to talk to them? It can leave you feeling like you do not matter or that you are less important than what they are doing. This is most likely how your partner feels when he or she is trying to talk to you when you are preoccupied. To truly listen, turn off your mental chatter and focus on your partner.

This means stop thinking about your to-do list. Resist the urge to check your text or email messages. Even more importantly, make eye contact and let your partner’s words sink in instead of thinking about what you will say when your partner stops talking.

3) Interrupting

As your partner is speaking or thinking, you cut him or her off to present your line of thinking. Doing this clearly sends a message to your partner that you do not respect his or her point of view. You may as well state out loud, “What I have to say is right and you are wrong.” This can quickly create hurt feelings between the two of you. Listen with respect and frame of mind that your partner has a right to his or her point of view just as you have a right to yours.

Concentrate on eliminating just these 3 roadblocks and you may not believe the improvement in your communication.

Kimberly Berry helps people who are in various stages in their relationships: Singles, New Relationships, Newlyweds, Couples With Children, Blended Families, Couples in Crisis just to name a few. Please visit my website http://www.dothancounseling.com for more relationship tips. Be a fan on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/KimberlyBerryCounseling Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kimberly_Berry