Larson Institute of Self-Mastery » Master Your Relationships

How to Deal With Difficult People

Guest — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 08:06:47 +0000

Author: Stephen Hopson

Everyone has experienced a time when they had to deal with a difficult person. This is a form of adversity. Difficult people take different shapes whether they are argumentative, abusive, stubborn, angry, combative or a host of other negative emotions.

The question is, how can we deal with them?

In my view, angry people are screaming to be heard. They want to be valued, loved and listened to. They want to feel important but just don’t know how to do it right.

Here’s 7 things I do when in the presence of such a person:

1. Remain calm in the eye of the storm. Be still and say nothing. Let it run its course. Often times the angry person is trying to provoke you into a shouting match. It doesn’t pay to argue because it raises barriers. Remember how I handled the barber situation?

2. Let the person do a great deal of the talking. He will soon tire of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To feel important. Everyone wants to feel important. Some people just express it in ways that are counterproductive.

3. Genuinely see from the other person’s point of view. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Never say “you’re wrong.” In fact, try hard to look for areas of agreement and expound on them.

4. You have power in these words: “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” This shows the other person you heard him. That’s all they usually want – to be validated! By agreeing on some things, you are gradually breaking down the other person’s anger or resistance.

5. If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it (with your palms extended upward as if you were a traffic policeman), and firmly but calmly state: “You’re very angry right now and you’re saying things you don’t mean (give the benefit of the doubt) so I will excuse myself and we’ll talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or ask the person to leave.

6. If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility. You could say, “You’re absolutely right, it is my fault and here is what I will do about it…….”

Or even if you’re convinced you’re NOT wrong, at least give the benefit of the doubt, “I may be wrong, let’s look at the facts together.” No one would argue with that!

These words also have power – tremendous power. Not only does it validate the other person’s viewpoint but it also diffuses the tension hanging in the air – it dissipates almost immediately and you can almost hear (or in my case see) a sigh of relief from the other person. They have been heard is what their brain is telling them. You might be surprised to see what happens after that. This person might do a sudden about-face and actually end up defending you!

They might have a change of heart and say: “Yes, you’re at fault but it’s no big deal, everyone makes mistakes.” You could actually have a little fun watching the other person reverse course if you continue on with this dialogue. I’ve done it myself numerous times. It’s almost addictive!

“I should have been more careful, I’m embarrassed to have done this. You’ve given me a lot of work and I’m grateful for it. In fact, I’m going to do this project all over again for you.”

The other person, being human and having been heard (and validated) might protest, “No, No, I wouldn’t put you through all that trouble.” (If on the other hand that doesn’t happen and he agrees with your assessment, well then do the next best thing and just do it.)

For the most part, you’d be amazed what was once a difficult person trying to pin the blame on you is suddenly an advocate of yours. Instead of arguing with the person, saying he was wrong and you were right, what’s happened is you’ve changed what could have been an ugly event into one that turned out better than you envisioned! It is a most amazing feeling.

Your eagerness to show he was right and you were wrong would take the fight out of him. There is a lot of satisfaction, at least in my mind, to having the courage to admit that someone else was right in pointing out your errors. The person criticizing you is often primed for a big argument but when you surprise the other person by agreeing with some of his viewpoints, you sap his will to fight because there’s nothing left for him to wield the sword!

And finally:

7. If you’re dealing with someone you deal with on a daily basis like a boss or co-worker who is constantly negative, combative, argumentative and the like, what I’ve done is to use the power of visualization. I imagine that person as a loving spiritual being having a human experience. I did this with a boss I had at the Wall Street bank several years ago. He was an absolute tyrant and gave everyone, including me, a hard time. In retrospect, he was clearly unhappy and insecure.

One day I had an idea (thanks to the book The Power of Positive Thinking) and started to visualize him as a loving grandfather because when he was a good mood (which you never knew would happen), he would lovingly talk about his grandchildren. His eyes and face would light up with incredible joy, leading me to realize there was a softhearted man behind the mean-looking facade. Every morning before going to work, I imagined him romping around in the backyard on a warm, breezy day with his grandkids squealing and laughing with delight. I did this for several months with amazing results.

I will be writing a story in the near future (“Harry, The Bank Boss”) about my experience with a difficult boss but what I want to emphasize is that this promotion was in no small part due to the power of visualization. No one can dispute that this works because I’ve lived to tell the story. I’ve used it win trips to Mexico and Bermuda (sales contests at Merrill Lynch), to forgive those who have hurt me, to become the world’s first deaf instrument pilot and to give powerful presentations, to name a few. It’s absolutely amazing.

Food for thought: Think about how you dealt with difficult people in the past. Were you tempted to prove them wrong, trying to save yourself face? Were you able to see through the facade and truly see that all they want is to be heard, loved and validated? Have you tried the power of visualization?

Profoundly deaf since birth, Stephen Hopson is a former award-winning stockbroker turned motivational speaker, author and pilot. He works with organizations that are ready to explore and overcome adversity because no one is immune from it – adversity does not discriminate. His professional speaking services, Obstacle Illusions, include fun and passionate presentations, especially the story of how his fifth grade teacher forever changed his young life with THAT’S RIGHT STEPHEN! You can view his website at http://www.sjhopson.com Stephen also maintains a blog called “Adversity University” at http://adversityuniversity.blogspot.com/

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Stephen_Hopson

How to Stay Happily Married With Kids

Guest — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 08:02:26 +0000

Guest author Bonnie Foshee

Keeping your marriage alive is very important for having a happy and healthy family. You need to work on your marriage as well as having family time. Do you know the happy marriage recipe?

Raising a family can be challenging and stressful at times. However, the common goals and emotional, financial, and physical investments made can be a common bond between husband and wife. One that compliments their marriage relationship.

Of course, like anything else worthwhile, maintaining a healthy husband and wife relationship with children underfoot takes effort. The following tips can help keep marital bliss alive:

Happy Marriage Recipe

Every happy marriage begins and ends with the same ingredient; the willingness to negotiate. The stumbling block in some relationships, however, is that while the husband was taught to take the upper hand, the wife may have been trained to cooperate. Marriage partners in an equal marriage need to define their husband wife role, to themselves and each other. This lays the groundwork for mutual respect; and the understanding that when there is a conflict, both parties must be ready to negotiate.

A Touch of Romance

Every bit as important as remaining best friends throughout married life, intimacy in marriage is vital. This includes emotional intimacy as well as sexual intimacy. Time alone together to share feelings is a must. An occasional romantic dinner or romantic weekend getaway can work wonders in bringing the two of you closer together and reducing stress. Go on a date with your spouse! And remember, intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex; nor should it. Time to just hold hands or cuddle is crucial for maintaining a close, happy relationship.

Rituals and Routines

A family ritual such as mom gets to sleep late every other Saturday morning while dad gets up with the kids, and visa versa, is a habit that can become a fun, meaningful ritual. And although having a daily routine sounds mundane, routines are essential for a happy, harmonious family life. For instance, weekly or monthly family activites, and a pizza and movie night every other week can be fun parts of a family routine. Agreeing upon rituals that support family values and a daily routine as a couple is another key to a happy marriage.

In Summary

The best advice I received was from my sister, “You have to work on your marriage. The children will grow up and move away. You still want to have a relationship with your spouse after they are gone.” Your relationship with your spouse has to come first if you are going to be a good parent. The children will be happier and more secure if they see you have a strong relationship. Besides, after your children grow up and move away, you don’t want to look at your spouse and wonder who this stranger is because you do not know each other anymore.

Source: Free Articles from ArticlesFactory.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Bonnie Foshee, Parenting Expert, Discover 11 Free Powerful Parenting Tips. If you need help with your marriage, go to Save My Marriage Today!

How to Write An Apology To Your Spouse

Guest — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 08:00:47 +0000

Guest author Peter Pearson

Everyone makes mistakes, and learning how to apologize for them is an important skill for a successful relationship. This article presents a five step formula for a really effective apology.

Being apologetic doesn’t come easily for me. Unfortunately, being inconsiderate and self-centered does. So I realized long ago that my marital survival would depend on two things: 1) learning to apologize and 2) becoming less selfish and more considerate.

It was easier to start with apologies. Over time I got better and better at learning how to apologize. I was amazed at the effect. First, it was the basic mumbling of, “I’m sorry.” Those two words were remarkable in healing bruised feelings. It was as if I had a license to do what I wanted– as long as I looked sincere and said, “I’m sorry.” It was like having a “Get out of jail free” Monopoly card.

When my apology failed to produce the desired results, I spruced it up. I would put my apology in a tuxedo, and my wife would be so grateful that I would get another reprieve.

Given my personality, I had lots of opportunity to practice making apologies. Ultimately I created a formula. It’s for the bigger offenses or for smaller offenses that you have repeated so often they’ve created a lot of tension with your spouse.

Five Step Formula For a Really Good Apology

1. Describe your offense. This is necessary so your partner knows exactly what you’re apologizing for.

2. Describe what you think is the effect on your partner. This display of empathy is comforting to the other person.

3. Describe why you did what you did. This reassures your spouse that you’re on top of the problem and reduces their need to nag you about it.

4. Describe why you’re interested in changing the offensive behavior. This demonstrates an understanding of the big picture that as a couple you’re a team.

5. Describe a self imposed penalty for not changing. This one is the clincher. Think of an appropriate penalty for your offensive behavior, and tell it to your spouse. Tell them that if you don’t change you will impose the penalty on yourself. This reassures them that you mean business.

I encourage people to write their apology. Writing it out first or writing it and then giving it to your mate has several advantages:

1. You can collect and refine your thoughts. It is very difficult to think through an apology on the fly, especially if your angry partner is on the offensive.

2. You will be heard all the way through. Nobody will interrupt and start yelling at a spouse when they are reading an apology.

3. You avoid the hostile questions that often interrupt you when you start speaking the apology. These negative questions have the nasty effect of derailing your good intentions and then you just have another argument which demands another apology.

4. You avoid the raised eyebrows and squinting eyes during the apology which just derail you again. (See the last sentence in number 3.)

5. It looks like you have given this some serious thought (which might even be true).

6. You don’t have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Putting It All Together

1. Honey, I’ve been thinking about your comments that I don’t follow through consistently when I say I’ll do something. I apologize for that.

2. Being inconsistent means you can never be sure whether I will follow through or not. I imagine it keeps you on edge and wondering if you should “remind” me or not. If you don’t speak up you run the risk that I won’t follow through and then it is too late to take corrective action. If you do speak up, you run the risk of coming across like a nag.

3. I hate to admit it, but when I agree to something, sometimes it’s just to get you off my back. I think, “well, I’ll do it if I get time.” But if it’s something I really don’t want to do, often I simply don’t make the time. I’m also unreliable when my priorities collide with yours–and my priorities too often prevail. This means I really haven’t thought much about us being a true team where we can each count on the other to follow through.

4. I actually have some interest in improving my reliability. I would feel more aligned with my higher intentions about being a good partner, and we could probably have more fun together.

5. Finally, I want you to get off my back as a policeman to make sure I follow through. Both of us will feel better about that. So when I don’t follow through or give you a timely warning (stuff does happen) then I will work on cleaning the garage the following weekend for at least two hours every time I blow it. My book, “Tell Me No Lies,” includes some helpful insights about apologies. For more information or to order, visit The Couples Institute. May all your apologies be little ones.

Source: Free Articles from ArticlesFactory.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Since 1984, they have helped people create extraordinary relationships. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and TV programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For more information and to subscribe to their free monthly newsletter, “Love that Lasts,” visit The Couples Institute.

Predicting Human Behaviour: 3 Things To Watch Out For

Guest — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 08:00:44 +0000

Author – Michael Lee

Predicting human behaviour can give you an advantage in any situation. By being able to anticipate how a person might respond or react, you can steer it to more or less the direction you want it to go.

If you’re trying to persuade a person to do something, the ability of predicting human behaviour can help you adjust so that you can achieve your desired ends.

Human behaviour is complex. There is no foolproof way to tell exactly how one would behave in certain circumstances. In general, however, there are things you should look out for.

1) Interest

The question is always, “What is in it for me?” If you are trying to see how a person might react to something, evaluate whether they will profit or lose, or experience pain or pleasure from the outcome.

This is not fail-safe though. Sometimes a person acts irrationally and not in their own best interest. This means that you have to include other factors in predicting human behaviour.

2) Unconscious Need

Expect the unexpected. According to Sigmund Freud, sometimes behaviour is neither rational nor irrational, but arational.

Be prepared for behaviour that will seem to come from nowhere. This may spring from the unconscious mind, from memories of experiences or emotions that have been buried.

3) Character

Knowing a person’s character definitely helps in predicting human behaviour. Is this person essentially honest or dishonest? Is he trustworthy? Industrious or idle? Where did he come from? What values does he have?

Character is a blend of genetics and deeply-rooted habits. If you want to predict how someone would behave, carefully observe a person’s routines, practices or way of life.

When you understand a person’s character, you will rarely be surprised by their behaviour. It is said that man can hardly violate his own nature.

Countless factors affect a person’s behaviour, but the society and the environment this person is exposed to should not be taken for granted as well. These contribute greatly to how a person thinks, whether a behaviour is acceptable or not, and whether something will be considered common or unusual.

It can also help you make sense of the individual’s interests, unconscious needs and character… helping you adjust how you relate to them.

Predicting human behaviour is far from easy. There are no rules of thumb or formulas, no set guidelines or timeframes. The trick is to be observant, open-minded and intuitive.

Discover secret persuasion techniques and tactics to easily change anyone’s behaviour and get them to do anything! Get a FREE course that reveals some of the most groundbreaking persuasion and mind control secrets at http://www.20daypersuasion.com/secrets.htm

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_Lee

Conversation

Guest — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 08:00:35 +0000

Guest author William Frank Diedrich

It has been said that one of the greatest fears people hold is speaking in front of a group of people, yet we seem to have no shortage of public speakers. There is a kind of speaking that inspires greater fear. This is the fear of having a real conversation.

Conversation is when two or more people talk openly and honestly, listen deeply to each other, and reach a common understanding. Agreement is nice, but irrelevant. The art of conversation is not about getting someone to agree with you. It is about seeking and finding a common understanding.

The first goal in conversation is to understand the thinking of the other person. The second goal is to articulate one’s own thinking in a way the other can understand. A true conversation is blameless, non judgmental, direct, and respectful. Conversation is a way of connecting.

Most of us are afraid of a real conversation. If we really listen to someone else, it may upset our world view, our self image, or our view of life. We might find out we were wrong. We might discover how they really feel about us. If we said what we really felt, the other person might be hurt, angry, disapproving, or judging. They might take action against us.

We are afraid of conflict. It poses a threat. We don’t want to be rejected, hurt, or embarrassed. The thought of conflict provokes the flight or fight response. We either avoid or attack when we feel threatened. We tend to do everything but engage in conversation.

In our organizations and families we are starving for conversation. Blaming takes its place. It’s easier. It’s easier to tell myself how wrong you are than it is to tell you I want to have a conversation. Many will say: “I tried that. I tried talking to that person.” Trying to get someone to see it your way is not a conversation. It is certainly important to state your preferences. In conversation you are willing to suspend your judgments and conclusions while you listen to the other person. You are willing to allow new conclusions to arise as products of your mutual understanding.

Conversation is responsive. In it we see the other person as a real person. We accept who they are. We see past perceived differences in gender, race, ethnicity, religion, intelligence, sexual preference, economic status, age, profession, title, or background. The person with whom we are conversing is first, and foremost, a person. You are first, and foremost, a person. Moving beyond blaming makes it possible to have a conversation. Occasionally I meet someone I dislike. I purposely initiate a conversation. More often than not, I come away with an appreciation for the person. The dislike I felt was in me, not in them. It was my projection.

How often do we give ourselves negative messages about others without actually talking to them? How often do our negative thoughts become self fulfilling prophecies when we treat people as if they have already offended us? How often do we refuse to hear the facts because we already have an opinion?

When you are experiencing difficulty with others ask: “What is the conversation I am having and what impact is it having on this person? How am I allowing them to affect me?” Briefly step outside yourself and observe. Ask yourself if this situation is what you want.

It is certainly okay to express your anger. For example, you could say, “When you did that, I was angry.” Conversations are not always perfectly rational. Just remember you are talking to a real person. Conversations need not be devoid of emotion. Emotion adds meaning to conversation. Maintain an awareness of your emotion and the effect it is having on your conversation.

A lack of communication produces a void. People fill in the void with thoughts that assume blame. Insist on communicating with people. Refuse to blame them when they don’t communicate with you. Refuse to be disturbed by the opinions of others. Your ability to listen and to express your truth will be influential. Is there someone you are blaming right now? Consider having a conversation.

About the Author

William Frank Diedrich is a speaker, executive coach, and the author of three books including Beyond Blaming: Unleashing Power and Passion in People and Organizations. William offers online leadership classes, leadership assessments, and online behavioral profiles (DISC) at http://noblaming.com