Larson Institute of Self-Mastery Rotating Header Image

Conflicts and Difficult People

How to Deal With Difficult People

Difficult PeopleAuthor: Stephen Hopson

Everyone has experienced a time when they had to deal with a difficult person. This is a form of adversity. Difficult people take different shapes whether they are argumentative, abusive, stubborn, angry, combative or a host of other negative emotions.

The question is, how can we deal with them?

In my view, angry people are screaming to be heard. They want to be valued, loved and listened to. They want to feel important but just don’t know how to do it right.

Here’s 7 things I do when in the presence of such a person:

1. Remain calm in the eye of the storm. Be still and say nothing. Let it run its course. Often times the angry person is trying to provoke you into a shouting match. It doesn’t pay to argue because it raises barriers. Remember how I handled the barber situation?

2. Let the person do a great deal of the talking. He will soon tire of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To feel important. Everyone wants to feel important. Some people just express it in ways that are counterproductive. (more…)

10 Management Tips for Managing Difficult People

Difficult PeopleAuthor: Colleen Kettenhofen

“When managing difficult people, if it isn’t written down, it’s as if it didn’t happen.”

Many managers and supervisors are promoted to management positions based on their hard skills. Yet few of them have had training in the area of managing people. Especially managing difficult people. In conducting seminars on managing people, one challenge I hear managers and supervisors face nowadays is how to manage a difficult employee. You can’t control them, but you can control their environment in the hopes of coaching the employee to better performance.

Here are 10 Management Tips for Managing Difficult People:

1. Document, document, document. As far as the courts are concerned, if it isn’t written down it’s as if it didn’t happen. Even if you have a prospective employee sign a form saying they know they can be terminated at any time, without cause, and without warning or reason. You never want to terminate without proper documentation. Terminating an employee without cause, reason, or prior warning, can make it easier for the difficult person to win a wrongful termination lawsuit.

2. Document training and coaching. Any type of training you provide for your difficult employee is considered coaching. In managing difficult people, many managers assume the documentation is to build a case for termination. It is not! It’s really to show everything you did to try and salvage the difficult employee. This includes any and all training. Whether you trained the employee, someone else trained them, or you sent them to a seminar to be coached to better performance.

3. Avoid the word “attitude.” In managing difficult people, why would you want to avoid saying something like, “Pat, I don’t like your attitude?” Because it’s too subjective. It’s not specific enough.

4. Focus instead on specific behaviors or the quality of their work. For example, what should you do if every time you delegate a special project to the difficult person, they fold their arms, exhale loudly, roll their eyes, and sarcastically mutter under their breath, “Okay, whatever?!” You would want to say in a low controlled tone something like, “Pat, every time I delegate a special project to you, the arms are folded, you’re rolling your eyes, muttering under your breath, ‘Okay, whatever.’ What seems to be the cause of this?” Notice I listed specific behaviors. So focus on facts.

5. Be objective, not subjective. As mentioned, when managing difficult people, be objective by mentioning specific behaviors, or specific declines in the quality of their work. For example, when documenting the employee’s “attitude,” you might document the following: “Every time I delegated a special project to Pat so-and-so, he/she would fold their arms, exhale loudly, roll their eyes, and mutter under their breath, “Okay, whatever!” Now, if this were ever read by a jury, or your H. R. department if you have one, or your manager, they would have a clear picture of this person’s attitude.

“When managing difficult people, it’s imperative that you make their goals and objectives measurable, specific, quantifiable, and in writing for accountability.”

6. Provide specific examples of the behavior or quality of work you want. Put it in writing for accountability. When managing difficult people, it’s imperative that as their manager or supervisor, you’re making their goals and objectives clear. For example, if they’re doing clerical work, they are to, “Correct and proofread all required reports for the quality control department.” Or if they’re in customer service, an example of a measurable, quantifiable, specific goal would be that they are to, “Respond to all customer complaints within 48 hours of receiving them.” If they’re in manufacturing, they are to, “Produce 35% more wingbats by December 15 of this year. ”

7. Be aware of how you present yourself. When managing difficult people, remember, you are their role model. Be aware of your eye contact. Typically look at the person for two to five seconds. You don’t want to stare at them bug eyed! But you also don’t want to avoid looking at them because you’ll come across as too passive, too wishy-washy. They’ll sense you’re fear of confrontation.

Having lots of eye contact can be difficult for some people because in some cultures, children are brought up that it’s disrespectful to have eye contact with their elders. It can be difficult to unlearn these habits. Also, watch your tone of voice. Use a low controlled tone. Be aware of your body language, too. Study after study shows that fully 93% of what people notice and believe about you in face-to-face communication is based on your tone and body language.

8. Be very clear and concise in spelling out the consequences of what could happen if they don’t improve. For example, if this is a verbal warning, you might say to the employee, “You know our policy here, and right now this is a verbal warning. As it says in our handbook, if there isn’t sustainable and maintained improvement including and beyond the next thirty days, it could result in further disciplinary action. Or, it could even result in termination.” In managing difficult people, one of the golden rules is you don’t want the employee to ever be able to say that they “weren’t warned.” Or, “I didn’t know. You didn’t tell me that.”

9. Get at the root cause of what is causing the employee to be difficult. For example, do they simply not like their job? Would they rather be in a different department? Are there personal issues going on with the difficult person that you need to know about? While it’s not your business to know what they do outside of work, it is your business if it’s something that’s affecting their work performance.

You can simply say to the difficult person, “Is everything okay? Is there anything going on that I need to know about? Because this drop in performance just doesn’t seem like you. As your manager/supervisor I want to see you succeed. And I’ve noticed a real decline in the quality of your work, for example….” Then, give very specific examples. Remember, be objective not subjective. Focus on facts. Attack the problem not the difficult person. Attack the behavior not the person.

In managing difficult people, a lot of this is common-sense. Yet, as mentioned earlier, most managers, supervisors and team leaders are promoted to leadership positions based on the fact that they were doing a great job. But that doesn’t mean they know how to manage difficult people.

10. In managing difficult people, have follow up performance-related meetings with the difficult employee. For two reasons: First, it’s what the courts want to see. Second, it does the employee a great disservice if they make a big turn-around and you don’t acknowledge it. Have a date and a time in writing for when you and the difficult person are going to meet again. And do meet! According to research one of the main reasons employee improvement plans fail is lack of follow-up on the part of the manager.

“When managing difficult people, most of us know what to do. We just don’t always ‘do’ with what we know.”

Colleen Kettenhofen is an Arizona motivational speaker, author and workplace expert. She is co-author of The Masters of Success, featured on NBC’s Today Show. For free video clips, articles, e-newsletter visit http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com [http://www.colleenspeaks.com/ Colleen is available for keynotes, breakout sessions and seminars by calling (800)323-0683. colleen@colleenspeaks.com <A href=]

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Colleen_Kettenhofen

Five Ways to Reduce Relationship Conflict

ConflictGuest author Marlene Chism

I attended a talk about civility this week and was inspired to write about how to eliminate or reduce relationship conflict. The presentation was delivered by Dr. Forni, a professor from John Hopkins University who has dedicated his life to the civility movement. What struck me was his research as to why incivility happens. There were three components: Stress, anonymity, and insecurity. In other words, when we are stressed out, when we don’t know the other person, or when we feel insecure about who we are, we are more likely to react in rudeness, create drama, or to participate in an act of incivility.
Here are five practical ways you can reduce relationship conflict:

1. Meet your basic needs
2. Claim the success you have
3. View others as a friend
4. Discount the stories you tell yourself
5. See everyone as equally successful

Meet your Basic Needs
When you are stressed and something unfortunate happens, you will say or do something you regret. We are living in very high stress times and most of us are drowning in a sea of choices and rushing to keep up with technology. What this means is more stress and more incivility. Here’s the deal: It’s not going to get better by itself. You are never going to catch up. That’s not what this is about anyway. The lesson is to recognize your choices and do whatever you must to keep your stress levels manageable. This means taking regular breaks, scheduling some time to be unplugged, and having some time with friends. When your basic needs are met and you are mastering your energy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually you are more likely to maintain positive relationships and manage the ones that challenge you. (more…)

Deflecting Workplace Abuse: 10 Ways to Handle Difficult Relationships

Difficult PeopleGuest author Joelle Jay

The shouting could be heard from the hallway. Inside the office, the president of a large software company raged, cursed, and blamed her way through a meeting in which she had been presented with disappointing earnings. The controller on the other side of the desk shrank into her chair, trying to weather the storm. Through her tears, she later described the meeting as painful and humiliating. And though she managed to hold herself together long enough to escape the meeting, she left alive but not unscathed.

Unfortunately, workplace abuse – though inexcusable – is more common than one might like to admit. What’s the appropriate response to this kind of emotional display? Is a subordinate – no matter how high-ranking – supposed to accept degradation as part of corporate politics? Is intimidation and unprofessional behavior just part of office life? Ideally, the answer to both questions would be “no.” Realistically, though, many businessmen and women must find some way to live with negative emotions in the people around them. Below follow some possible options.

Detachment

One option is to detach from the emotion. People may throw mud at you, but you can duck. That is, you can remember that the emotion is not about you, no matter what words are being hurled your way. It’s about the other person’s rage, disappointment, or even fear. (more…)

The Two Little Words Every Happy Relationship Needs

UnderstandingGuest author Todd R. Reed

QUESTION: What’s the most common phrase couples use when they argue?

ANSWER: “You just don’t understand.”

In fact, feeling misunderstood is the number one complaint marriage and family counselors hear from couples who come in for counseling. And yet, the ability to say “I understand” is the most important skill for any person in a committed relationship to develop. These two words make the most powerful statement in the English language. “I understand” can be even more important than saying “I love you,” because before you can completely feel loved, you need to feel understood.”

Here are the top mistakes spouses make when it comes to making their partners feel understood and how you can easily work together to correct them:

* Mistake #1: Saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” When your mate says this, it may feel like she is dismissing your feelings. What’s usually happening here is that she disagrees with you, but wants to spare your feelings. In other words, by elaborating on her opinions, your significant other knows she will risk making you even more upset, so she says as little as possible. What she doesn’t realize, however, is that robbing you of the chance to explain why you feel the way you do–not the fact that she disagrees with you–is what’s really making you upset, because that’s what makes you feel misunderstood.

* Easy solution: Calmly tell her, “I’m not asking you to agree with me. I just need you to understand where I’m coming from. Then give her an index card with the words “I understand that you’re feeling _____ about _____ because _____ written on it and have her fill in the blanks as she reads it back to you. This card serves as a “cheat sheet” to get your significant into the habit of showing she understands what you’re saying. (more…)

The Power of Biting Your Tongue

Bite Your TongueHave you ever said something you later regretted? I certainly have. Many times. One time when I felt like letting my daughter have a verbal lashing, I didn’t. I bit my tongue and learned an important lesson in the process.

My oldest daughter Erika was home from college for the summer and for one reason or another we were just not getting along. This is what I recorded in my journal that day:

Today was Mother’s Day. It was a good day. However, first I want to note what I feel was a significant thing that happened to me today. My relationship with Erika lately had been less than warm. It seemed we were clashing about something on a daily basis and I was so down and depressed about it. I just was so sad inside. I had no smiles in me. It was like I had a dark cloud following me around. And of course last night it happened again when we had some not-so-nice words about what you call a car gas cap, of all things! I wanted so bad to just chew her out and tell her how I really felt about the way she talks to me. I felt like telling her if she wanted to live here she better treat me right or she should just go live somewhere else. But I bit my tongue and said nothing.

Well, this morning I still had the gloomy cloud over me. I was in the bathroom about to shave when Erika came in. She smiled at me and then apologized about what she said last night. I told her that her apology was accepted and that I forgave her.

I was really amazed that the dark gloomy cloud over me totally lifted. From that point on my whole day was great. I felt so good inside like a light had been turned on. Even my headache went away.  

Two things I learned: First the value of holding your tongue. If I had chewed her out I’m sure we would still have bad blood between us. The second thing I learned was the power of our moods and how much they affect everything we do – for good or ill. Interesting.

Next time you get the urge to verbally berate someone, think twice and bite your tongue. You may be surprised at the outcome.