When you look in the mirror are you happy with who you see? If you are like most people you will tend to see your own faults over your qualities. It’s amazing how critical and judgmental we can be with ourselves. It can suck the vitality and energy out of our life if we are constantly chipping away at who we are. It’s like trying to blow up a balloon with a pin hole in it. It takes constant effort. Our incessant internal criticism and judgment deflates our self-esteem faster than we can fill it.

A certain amount of self-analysis is good and healthy. If not, we would never make any improvements in our lives. We need to examine ourselves from time to time and determine the areas we need to improve on. However, this can be overdone to the point of being hyper-critical and counter-productive. You become your own judge, jury and jailer.

What are the causes of Self-Criticism?

1. Comparing ourselves with others. We are great at putting ourselves down because we know ourselves the best. We are intimately and painfully aware of each of our faults. The trouble is, when we look at others we tend to see the polished and refined exterior and are unaware of the flaws and internal conflicts that they battle with each day. We tend to compare the worst in ourselves with the best in others. We can never win that game.

2. Unrealistic expectations of ourselves. It’s good to set goals and strive to make improvements in our lives. We should strive for excellence. However, some of us mistake perfection for excellence. When the goals we set are so high and out of reach for the average human being then we set ourselves up for failure.

3. Not realizing life is a process. Journeys are accomplished one step at a time. Bodies are grown one cell at a time. Buildings are built one brick at a time. These are all processes that are accomplished in a gradual, procedural way.

Imagine driving by a building under construction. What do you see? Half-built walls, pallets of bricks, scaffolding, unpainted surfaces, weeds and debris – it’s not a pretty sight. Imagine criticizing the building because of these flaws. That would be unreasonable because we know it isn’t finished yet. It’s under construction. Yet we fail to consider that our lives are not finished yet either. We are still under construction. Of course everything isn’t in perfect order yet. We are still in the middle of this process called “Life.”

What are the consequences of Self-Criticism?

1. Incorrect vision of ourselves. When we continually focus on our flaws and imperfections we get to the point of identifying ourselves as our flaws and imperfections. That’s who we become in our mind. Instead of thinking “I have a weight problem” we instead think “I’m fat.” It becomes who we are.

2. The “Why Try?” attitude. Since we identify ourselves with our defects and believe that’s who we are, then we feel like “what’s the use” in trying to change since that’s “just the way I am.” If you see yourself as a zebra then why try to change your stripes. It’s simply who you are.

3. Saps energy. It takes energy and effort to be constantly judging ourselves. Experiencing discouragement and disappointment in ourselves is like dragging around a heavy weight. It wears on you and drains your energy.

How can we overcome Self-Criticism?

1. Pay attention to what’s going on in your head. Make an effort throughout the day to be aware of how you talk to yourself in your mind. What are you saying?

“I’m such a loser”
“I’m so ugly”
“I never have enough money”
“I’m so fat”
“I’m such an idiot”

Be aware of these negative jabs at yourself and rein them in. Take control of your thoughts and shut down the negative ones.

2. Lower your unrealistic expectations. Give yourself a break. It’s okay if you’re not perfect. You’re not done yet. You’re still under construction as a person. I’m not talking about lowering your personal convictions or your personal moral standards – just your unrealistic expectations of yourself.

3. Focus on your good points. Start noticing what you are doing right. Focus on the positive things you accomplish every day. Make a list of all the things you are doing well and give yourself a pat on the back. Notice even small steps of forward progress.

T.S. Eliot wrote:

What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us
And urge us on to futile activity
And in the end, judge us still more severely
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?

When you truly overcome self-criticism you free your mind and energy to move forward in your life. You are not stuck in Paralysis by Analysis. You become at peace with who you are and where you are headed. Remember, there is only one person in the world that you are compelled to live with – and that is with yourself. It’s best you both get along!

Thank you.

Copyright © 2009 Gary N. Larson

Good morning. I went golfing a while ago with a friend who I know doesn’t earn a lot of money, yet he had a $500 golf set. His driver alone cost over $150. I asked him how many times a year he golfed and he said only once or twice. Once or twice! And yet he thinks he needs to have a top of the line golf set. I mean, come on, if you’re golfing once or twice a year I would think a decent $200 golf set would do just fine.

I have come across a number of people with this same trait. They think they need to have “The Best”. There is nothing inherently wrong with that except these are people that can’t pay their bills each month. Their money picture is all out of balance, meaning, in some areas they are lacking and other areas they have too much. Their house is falling apart or they can’t afford to pay their bills and yet they’ll go out and buy an item and it will be the top of the line or the biggest or the best and of course the most expensive.

Another example is an individual I know who is struggling with money. She went out and bought a brand new $700 computer. Now a $700 computer may not seem like such a big deal to most of you, but I know for a fact that you can purchase a great computer for around $400. I recently got one for my family and it works great and is very powerful. I don’t know what she got for the extra $300 but I guarantee you she doesn’t need it. All she is using her computer for is to access the internet and do simple word processing. But for some reason she was compelled to get “The Best.”

Its purchases like that that baffle me sometimes. Whether it’s a computer or clothes or a car or a camera – if you’ve got the money then go ahead and get the best. But if you don’t have the money you shouldn’t be buying top of the line items.

I’ve never bought a brand new car in my life and I don’t know if I ever will. You can buy great used vehicles for a fraction of the cost of new ones. I pay cash. I don’t go into debt. The car I drive right now is a great car and it didn’t cost much at all. It has all the luxury features, all the bells and whistles, and I’m very happy with it. Mostly I’m happy because it didn’t cost me a dime in interest. I paid for it with a check. It’s a fraction of the cost that many people, who make less money than me, spend on their brand new cars. I can then take that extra money and do fun things like go on a cruise with my wife, which is what I’m doing next week. I would much rather use the money for other things than sinking it into a vehicle or an expensive computer.

The point I’m trying to make is this: If you have the money, great. I don’t have a big problem with you having nice things or even the best things. I do have a problem if you buy those things when you can’t afford it. If you’re struggling and you can barely buy food or clothes for your kids then why do stupid things like buy an expensive car or an expensive computer or an expensive camera that you don’t need? Why do you think you have to have “The Best?” You can get along fine with good quality things. You can be perfectly happy and content without the 72″ big-screen TV – really! Many people do.

The next time you feel compelled to purchase “The Best,” stop and think. Why are you buying it? Are there cheaper models that will do just fine? Can you purchase it used? Can you skip the purchase altogether? Be wise. Think before spending. The best may end up not being the best after all.

Thank you.

Master Yourself, Master Your Life

Copyright © 2009 Gary N. Larson

My answer to that is that there has to be exceptions at times but they should be few and far between.

For me last night was one of those exceptions. The only time there should be an exception is if there is a higher priority at play here that supersedes the lower one. For example, a higher priority would be my family and my relationships with my children. In this case it was attending a performance that my son was in.

Let me just explain what it was about. My soon-to-be 17-year-old son is a member of the local high school marching band. He plays the sousaphone. (Yes, that’s him in the center of the photo.) I thought it was called a tuba but apparently a tuba is played sitting down such as in a concert. A sousaphone is simply a version of the tuba used by marching bands. Anyway, my son and his band have worked extremely hard on their performance. For those of you who have never been involved with marching bands, they actually have competitions where many marching bands get together and compete. Each band puts on a performance that includes a number of elements. They have judges who judge the competition and they give awards at the end. This is a huge event that begins in the early afternoon and goes on until after 10:00 at night.Of course we wanted to be there to support our son and watch how his band did. My son’s band was scheduled to perform at 9:15 p.m. After they performed there was one more band to perform and then the tallying of all the judge’s scores and then the awards ceremony which lasted quite a while. (Incidentally, our son’s high school band took first place!) Anyway, following the awards ceremony we stayed to help clean up the stadium. So we didn’t get home until around 11:00 p.m.

Now here my goal was to be in bed by 10:30 p.m. What do you do in that situation? Well, you have to have priorities. I can’t, for the sake of my goal to get to bed by 10:30 p.m., ignore my son and not support him. There has to be reasonable exceptions. Those exceptions should only be for events and things that are of a higher priority than the goal of getting to bed on time.

I think there were two lessons learned from last night. The first was one is what I just talked about: Only allow higher priorities to cause exceptions to the rule.

The second lesson on self-mastery that I learned from the band competition last night can be divided into two parts. The first one is to simply watch the performances of these high school kids and see the self-mastery that they have achieved in the performance they put on. It was amazing the way that they learned to work together, to stand at attention, to march in unison, to flow as an entire unit together as a small part of a large whole. To me it was an amazing display of self-mastery to watch these marching bands.

The second part was even more amazing. A storm had been blowing in most of the day. We watched the dark clouds gather and the wind pick up as this competition went on. By the time my son’s high school band performed it was pouring rain. Not just rain but cold, pouring rain. Remember that it’s October. You would think in most situations that they would cancel a big event such as this because you wouldn’t expect anyone to stand out in that rain and put on these performances. These are huge marching bands all dressed in uniforms, carrying their instruments.

I asked one of the organizers of the event if they were going to cancel it. He said there was only one thing that would stop one of these shows and that was lightning. If it begins to lightning only then will they stop the show. Other than that, regardless of whether it’s raining or snowing or windy, the show goes on.

I was amazed at this fact that they go on no matter what. I was astonished as I watched these kids standing there at attention, not flinching as the rain was pouring on them. It was incredible self-mastery. And then to watch them go through their performance, totally ignoring the rain and playing these magnificent songs and marching their complicated formations – it was wonderful and showed supreme self-mastery.

Master Yourself, Master Your Life

Thank you.

Copyright © 2008 Gary N. Larson